Charlie's Thought Process
by Ziggeh Mantranoodle
Summary: What happens when Charlie thinks like a madman? Answer: The things that happen in this story. I would really appreciate reviews!
1. The Beginning

I don't own LOST, or the dancing cheeseburger, or Charlie, or the empty poker playing water bottle. This is just another spoof that comes from my mind, don't take this personally if you're one of those 'hey-look-at-me-and-my-obsessed-with-LOST-self' people. lol,I might add other chapters if I get enough good reviews.

* * *

When was I so jumpy? ...Yesterday. This island is starting to get to me... I thought I saw a dancing cheeseburger on the beach right next to where Jack was standing, talking to Kate. It turns out it was only Boone. I really regret tackling him now, 'cause this bruise is making my face all distorted. I swear that it was a dancing cheeseburger, taunting me! Man, I need my fix... But I have to make it last, 'cause who knows how long we'll be stuck on this island?!

* * *

Sayid is starting to creep me out... Then again, he always sorta did. He's always watchin' me like I was a crack addict with a disease or somethin'! I'm only a crack-addict, thank you very much. Hmm.. I'm starting to get a little fond of Claire. She seems nice, but it might be 'cause of the load she's carrying from the front. Mood swings haven't started coming yet, but I know they will! On another note: That dancing cheeseburger was back.. and I have another lovely bruise on the other side of my face. Boone needs to stop making those illusions, or I could end up misshapen for the rest of my days.

* * *

Jack's gone mental. I mean, me and the big guy were tellin' him about the water supply, then we start asking questions, then he gets all huffy! You'd think he was PMSing or something. Claire fell over, but she looks like she'll be fine. I finally caught the dancing cheeseburger and managed to bite it, but then all of a sudden, Boone punches me in the stomach! That's one fast cheeseburger if I can't catch it! You wait, I'll have eaten it by the time we get off this island. I've named the island too: Island of the Dancing Cheeseburgers. The rest of the survivors have started shooting me wierd glances.. But I think they're just jealous that the dancing cheeseburger doesn't taunt them.

* * *

I'm really bored, and Jack's gone mental... More so than the doctor was before. He's gone off his rocker, that's what! He needs to calm down.. should I give him some of my stash so he will? ..Nah! Let him deal with his own problems! He's gettin' this wierd far-off look sometimes. I caught him lookin' my way like that, and when we made eye-contact, he ran off screamin' his head off! ...I'm startin' to think he's a queer. He's got the hots for me, I know it. I don't swing like that, man. Kate is pretty good-lookin', if you ask me. I consulted the dancing cheeseburger on this while we were havin' a game of poker with an empty water bottle, but he just shrugged and stole my coconuts! That bassard!

* * *

Reviews, please? Oh, BTW, his thought process takes place every two days or so.


	2. The Striaghtjacket idea and the Straight...

((Ok, here's something that I wrote that kinda fits into this story. I need it to tie in with Charlie's later thoughts... When he's in confinement.))

* * *

Charlie sat on the beach, finishing up the letter 'H' on the medical tape ring on his finger. Hurley plopped down beside Charlie and looked at the word 'hate' on Charlie's hand. He frowned,"Hey, dude?" Charlie looked up,"Yeah?" Hurley shifted a little,"Uh... hate's a strong word... you know?" Charlie just shrugged,"I hate this bloody island. The cheeseburger is taunting me. It's so bloody annoying. BOLLOCKS!"

Hurley blinked,"The what?"

Charlie snorted and pointed at Boone, who was trying to get something off of Sawyer. "That bassard! The dancing cheeseburger! He's taunting me, and I'm bloody well on my way to snapping!" A look crossed over Charlie's face and he sidled unnaturaly close to Hurley,"Will you be my friend? We can band together and fight the forces of the cheesy burger from Hell." The big man twitched and stood up,"I.. gotta go... over there. JAAACK!"for a large man, Hurley could run really fast. Charlie fell onto his side, cackling his head off. In approximately 5 minutes, he was back up and in his old position, staring out at the ocean, looking somber. Then, the dancing cheesburger waltzed in front of Charlie to get his attention, then twirled away with his cheeseburgery grace. Charlie scrambled up and leaped after the cheeseburger like a ballerina preforming Swan Lake. "Wait for me!"he called, leaping and bounding after Boone, who was very frightened. Boone started running as fast as he could to shake Charlie off, but he couldn't, try as he might. "SOMEBODY HELP ME! HE'S STALKING ME! THE STUPID BALLERINA IS STALKING ME LIKE PEPPY LEPEU!" The other people on the beach watched Charlie bound after Boone with a dreamy expression on his face. They were starting to think he was gay. Sayid, who was talking to Kate, shook his head in a disapproving manner,"That man is certainly odd." Kate laughed and nodded,"Jack thinks it's the... er..."

"The what?"

"The heat... Yeah, that's it, the heat. Jack thinks the heat is getting to him,"Kate said, obviously showing Sayid that she was a bad liar. Sayid opened his mouth to say something, but he was immediatly cut off by Boone's screaming,"HOLY SHIT! HE BIT ME! THE MOTHER FUCKER BIT ME! HE'S GIVEN ME RABIES! **RABIES**! GET HIM OFF!"Boone screamed in a high pitched and girly voice that made some people giggle. Charlie growled like a dog and wouldn't let up on Boone's flesh. He was even drooling a little. It took Jack, Locke, and Micheal to pull Charlie's jaws apart. Once Locke and Micheal were tying Charlie to a palm tree inside the jungle, Jack was tending to Boone's wound, trying to tell him that Charlie didn't have rabies. Jack laughed as he examined the wound,"Well, Boone. Charlie's hasn't given you a disease, but he has given you great teeth marks on your arm. If we ever need Charlie's bite radius, we'll come to you." Hurley waddled over to Jack's side, some bamboo and vines in his hands,"Hey, Jack?"

"Yes, Hurley?"

"Why don't we make that Charlie guy a straight jacket? He could use one, you know?"

Jack shook his head after thinking it over,"No. Not yet, anyway, It's just the heat. It's getting to him. Let's give it a couple of days to see if he goes back to.. his version of normal." hurley nodded,"OK, but I'm gonna make the straight jacket anyways." Jack laughed and walked off to console Boone even further, because Shannon was making it worse.

* * *

For the next two days Charlie was vined to the tree. Claire or Kate would bring him food or water from time to time, and when they came, he would always use a cheesy pickup line and promptly get slapped before they stormed off. "You know I turn you on!"he would always shout after them. Only hours after he was released from his bindings on the second day, did he get put in the stright jacket of doom and pointy pieces of bamboo.

Charlie rolled around in the sand, in his homemade straight jacket, laughing his ass off. Everybody watched and wondered who was going to kill or attempt to kill him off first. They had a betting system going on. Every single survivor had a bet, even Jack, who was supposed to be the responsible one. He'd put down his virgintity that Charlie would kill himself in a week by choking on sand. You wouldn't want to know what everybody else's were.. Considering Jack's bet was the mild one. The only mild one.

* * *

Sorry I haven't updated in a long time. I had my internet taken away for bad grades. But, I got them up, and now I'm here to stay. I hope you liked this chapter, and I apologise sincerely for the long wait. One thing, if you have anything to say to me about any fic of mine without anybody else reading it, just AIM me at NewSunIsMe. Or E-Mail me, I don't care. 


	3. With Coconuts, waterbottles, etc

Disclaimer: I own nothing referenced in this story. I wish I owned something referenced in this story, but wishing doesn't get you anywhere, you pansy!

* * *

This straight jacket is crushing my artistic integrity, along with the boxers Jack made me wear. I think he's jealous. Anyway, people have started to think I've gone crazy. I'm not! I met a tree in the jungle who called himself Treebeard, and he said I wasn't crazy. He also called me 'little Shire-ling'... Maybe _he's_ crazy. I had a chat with the empty water bottle the other day. It went something like this:

"Have you been eating your veggies, Merry?"

"Maybe..."

"You haven't, have you? I swear, you're always on about the cheeseburger. Move on with your life, man! It's obvious the cheeseburger doesn't want to talk to you anymore."

"No! It's just.. taking a vacation away from me. Yeah, that's it. See, I know the cheeseburger wouldn't cheat on me."

The waterbottle sighed,"You are one crazy Hobbit, sir."

"Did you just call me a hobbit?"

"...Yes..."

"I'm not a hobbit!"

"Then how do you explain why you're so short, and why you look exactly like Dominic Monaghan?"

Here the waterbottle started to confuse me, so I asked,"Who's Dominic Monaghan? His name sounds sexy, but I have no idea who he is or what he looks like." WB shook her head,"He never gets any good parts in movies, that's why you don't know him." I gave WB a sympathetic look,"Aww... Maybe he'll catch a break." WB(who I will now call Bettabottom) nodded,"Maybe." That was the end of our conversation for the day. When Bettabottom hopped off to talk with Treebeard, Claire came and sat by me. I looked at her, and she looked at me. It was just plain staring at each other for a few minutes. She got up to leave without saying a word, but I didn't want her to leave. So I said,"Wait, please.." she looked down at me like.. I wasn't crazy anymore, which is absurd because I wasn't crazy in the first place. She smiled a little, resting a hand on that rather large stomach of hers,"What is it, Charlie?" I smiled back. It must've scared her because _she _wasn't smiling anymore. It was more a scared grimace. I giggled and said,"The people on this island think I'm crazy, for they do not believe that I, Charlie Pace, invented the chocolate eclair. Ha. I shall smash their heads open and use their skulls as soup bowls.Oooh, sweet soup! Be good to me and I shall kill you last!" I guess I shouldn't have cackled at the end of my special rant, because Claire ran off. Man, for a pregnant lady, she could run really really fast. I watched as she disappeared from view before I started rolling around in the sand with the sand fleas who had become one at that presice moment. I will name them Liam, after my brother. That bastard. After rolling around in the sand, giggling from the jokes Liam had told, I decided to go play Twenty-one with Treebeard, Bettabottom, and this guy. I dunno know his name, but Bettabottom invited him over for tea and biscuits. I didn't get a biscuit. I got a cococut. I banged my hollow coconut halves together(that sounds funny! WHEE!) as Bettabottom and Treebeard chatted it up with this guy. He had a Scottish accent, and it annoyed me. I don't have the slightest clue why. He seemed to be telling a story... Like.. a hunting story... He said,"Well, it was.. four in the morning. A good forty five degrees. 'Course you weren't there... Pussy. I've got on camoflauge everything.. I have deer urine on my boots... I'm not sure why. Heh.. I made that part up. Anyway, a deer comes up and before it could lick the salt-sucker I hung on the dang dung tree... 'Caught him right above the eye." Treebeard laughed,"Well I hit one with a **van** goin' 55 miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blowin'. There were fireworks, I swear." Bettabottom giggled,"That's the beginning of the Chinese space program!" The joke went completely over my head, so it must've been one of those 'inside jokes' I've been hearing so much about. I want an inside joke! Ok, A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American get stranded on an uncharted island and get captured by the natives. The Chief comes and goes,"We're gonna skin you alive and make canoes outta your skin, but we'll give you one last request." He turns to the Brit and the Brit says,"Give me a knife." They give him a sharp and pointy(Oooh, pointy!) knife and he slits his own throat. The Chief turns to the Frenchman and the Frenchman says,"Give me ze knife!" They give him the knife, he slits his own throat. Now, the Chief turns to the American and gives him the knife, but the American throws it back and goes,"Gimme a fork." So, the Chief gives him a fork and the American stabs his chest with it and goes,"SCREW YOUR CANOE!" Does that count as an inside joke? I wouldn't know. This is Charlie Pace signing off. Hee! I've always wanted to say something like that! Like the people on the BBC! I wanna be on the BBC!Why aren't I on the BBC!

* * *

Ok, this chapter will go over your head if you haven't seen Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides again. Sorry if the joke at the end insulted you. I'm American and the first thing I thought was,"Whoah. I would've done the exact same thing!" Hee.. I shall give you a biscuit if you can figure out where the Dom quote is,where I got the idea of Charlie was banging hollow coconuts together, or who made up the story from BCCTRA. It's a special five biscuit deal if you get the answers to all of those questions right. MUWAHAHAA! By the way, my friend made up the special rant about the soup. I didn't.. I just wanted to use it, 'cause that's what I think my crazy/insane Charlie would say in this fic. By the way, if you happen to give me a good idea, I'll let you hold Dom's boxers. Hee... I didn't steal them! WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT! -runs away, giggling madly- 


	4. It Comes Off

Now none of you can say I don't read my reviews! Well.. None of you said that in the first place, so ignore this and start reading my fic. lol

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lost or Charlie. I do, however, own the striaght-jacket. The bit at the end is from The One Ring(a hilarious flash cartoon by Legendary Frog). I did not make that up. Some lines borrowed from Monty Python. I also borrowed the idea of incoherent yelling from Wayside School Is Falling Down by Louis Sacher. Read his books. I demand it of you.

* * *

Charlie sighed for the millionth time. He had this feeling... Like he was really depressed and he didn't know why. Maybe it was the straight-jacket. Maybe it had sucked the happy out of him, taking the crazy with it. Kate and Jack watched the Brit from the outskirts of the beach. "Think we should take the straight-jacket off of him?"Kate asked, shooting a brief glance at Jack. He shrugged,"I don't know. Claire did say that he said he was going to kill me." 

"Just because he wants to murder you doesn't mean he's still crazy, Jack."

"...I thought you liked me?"

"Nope. Not like that, man."

"Well, if he did kill me(thought I doubt that he could), you people would start to get disorganized then start to die from mosquito bites."

"I don't think so. Locke is very organized and Sayid has started teaching people how to hunt mosquitoes and worse."

"What could possibly be worse than a mosquito?"

"A bee."

Jack gasped,"There's bees on the island? How did bees get on the island? Isn't that impossible?" Kate frowned at him,"Well.. If you're going to split hairs, I'm gonna piss off!" She began to walk away, but Jack grabbed her forearm, stopping her. He was staring at Charlie, who was stumbling over himself, yelling something at them. He looked quite panicked. "Jump to the side, you fucking bastards!"He yelled at them. The two were very dense and they really didn't trust Charlie at the moment, so they stood quite still. "What!"Kate yelled back. There was a rumbling coming from the jungle, so what Charlie called back sounded like utter crap to Kate and Jack. It was something that sounded like "There's a trucking load of minstrels stacking Ethan!"

"What!"

The rumbling got louder, so Charlie raised his voice."There's a fucking cloud of minstrels a-stacking Ethan!"

"What!"

"There's a FUCKING crowd of minstrels attacking Ethan!"

"WHAT!"

"THERE'S A FUCKING CROWD OF SQUIRRELS ATTACKING ETHAN!"

Kate and Jack gasped in unison. "OH!"Kate shouted back at Charlie angrily,"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Jack pushed her to the side just in time to see Ethan run directly in the spot they had just been in, his head covered in rabies-positive squirrels. Ethan ran around in circles once he hit the sand and some of the other Survivors came to watch. They were wondering when he would collapse, and found him very amusing. Jack and Kate walked over to Charlie, who was standing by Shannon. Kate hugged Charlie,"Thank you! You saved us from.. whatever that was, Charlie!" Jack nodded. The Brit blushed,"Oh.. it was nothing."

"JACK! He sounds sane!"

Charlie blinked,"Huh?"

"Everybody! CHARLIE SOUNDS SANE!"

A light that semed to come from nowhere shone on Charlie, making him squint. A chorus of.. something started to sing, and Survivors started to cheer and chant. "Take it off! Take it off!" Charlie would have started to take off his pants, but the straight-jacket was preventing him from doing so. Jack and Hurley had the honors of undoing the straight-jacket straps. Charlie was confused, but thought that it was a good thing having the artisic integrity-crusher come off, so he didn't say a word. Once the straight-jacket had come off, Charlie stretched his arms,"Ahh... That's better. You know... I was never crazy n the first place." This caused laughter. "Seriously, guys!" This caused even more laughter. He sighed and stromed off to the caves. Ethan was laying on the ground, bleeding from various squirrel-bite wounds. He was fuming. He thought that somehow, Charlie had concocted a scheme involving him being attacked by squirrels... Revenge? Yes... But he needed to come up with a plan... A really good plan... a plan that would be evil... Yes... a really good and evil plan... The one plan... TO RULE THEM ALL!

* * *

Haha.. How long it take me to write this? a really.. long time.. I must have this disease or something that causes procrastination! Evil.. procrastination.. thingies... disease. Anyway, I hoped you liked this chapter, but now? TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE REVIEWS! Ehh... I'll start from chapter two, dince I didn't acknowledge them then. So if you see your name twice, it's because you reviewed twice. Wait a tick.. Nobody reviewed chapter two! Oh well. I guess I'll answer the reviews from chapters one and three. Read them to find yourself! lol.. That sounds funny. 

ladybird2256: Do you have falling-off the chair injuries? If you do/did, I'm sorry, but thank you!

Fantasy Cat: Who said Charlie won't be able to eat another cheeseburger again? Locke can figure out a way! Maybe Sayid... I dunno, take your pick!

mattb3671: Who says I'm not on meds already? lol, just kidding.. I think...

Leaviel: Crazy minds think alike. Maybe we can form our own.. er.. crazy-club!

Dev: If you do make it into an icon.. I want one too!

szhismine: I took your ent idea. Thanks for that!

Faerie in Combat Boots: He might try to eat Boone again... But.. If he wants to stay outta that home-made straight jacket, he'd better not!

theelfcrumpet: Those people at Lost need to make Charlie more... not.. serious. Was chapter two erratic enough for you? lol

Romy-goodness: Glad to see you like to laugh. That's a great thing!

Fan of Fan Fic: The dancing cheeseburger may come back next chappie. You wait and see.

EvenstarofAragorn: Aww.. Thanks!

Double O Sayid: That's what I was aiming for!

Depphead: I thank you. bow

Lindzeh: Yes I do!

bookworm835: People like you make me feel happy. LAUGH LOTS!

Leaviel: Nope. Dom quote was "I think this straight jacket is crushing my artistic integrity. Along with these boxers Jack made me wear" Sorry.. I guess I sort of cheated... Dom said "I don't believe in underwear. It crushes your artistic integrity." Onceand I changed the quote. You got the coconuts part, though! HAZZAH FOR MONTY PYTHON! Blue Comedy Tour Rides Again is an excellent movie if you like RedNeck comedy. I suggest you watch it. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SQUIRREL IDEA! That made this chapter happen! lol So, in conclusion, I'm giving you four biscuits! One because I cheated on the quote thing, one becuase you got the coconuts, and two for the great idea. Have fun with these. -hands over biscuits-

Depphead: So, should I put more references? It can happen if you want. Anything to make my readers happy.

So, in conclusion... I want more reviews, people! That's what makes me tick!


	5. Random Charlie thoughts

Disclaimer: I don't own LOST, but I wish I did. Does that count for anything?

I've been procrastinating again. My apologies. The bit about the Lemon Heads up the nose is a DIRECT quote from my friend. The bit with Jack and Kate is from the Ellen DeGeneres talk show thingy with Foxy, and.. er.. I think that's it.

* * *

Nothing has been happening lately. I have no idea why. Well, I saw Scott and Steve trying to talk about how one of them should shave the other's head so they wouldn't get mixed up so often. I stood a little off-hand and watched them argue. It was funny.

Ever since I got off withdrawel from my pressciousss drugses... I mean er.. nasty heroin..ses.. I haven't seen Bettabottom, or the dancing cheeseburger! Something must be wrong with me. As a note to the withdrawel.. Locke took my drugs. Then after a bit, he gave them back, and I accidentally dropped them into the bloody fire! Well actually, Bettabottom came up to me when Locke glanced away, and knocked my bloody hand and made me drop the little baggie.. It mad me sad.

Anyway, a couple of days after the Steve/Scott argument, I saw Jack trying to get Kate to move to the caves. He said that it was for shelter, but.. I think he wants to put the moves on her... But that's just me. It was so insulting, I'm going to tell it to you as it happened.

Jack walked up behind Kate, who was standing in the sand, staring out at the ocean and tapped her on the shoulder. She whirled around and almost punched him out, but due to his girly scream, she had to stop and look at him wierdly.(Which was funny.) I was sitting with Claire, and we were watching them, so I had a good view of this. Jack cleared his throat and said,"Kate, you have to move to the caves." She raised an eyebrow(That reminds me.. There are no bloody tweezers on this island- how do these women keep their eyebrows so shapely!) and said,"Why should I, Jack?"

"It's natural shelter, Kate! Everybody is going. Korean woman who knows how to speak English but pretends not to, helpful over-weight good guy with a great sense of humour.."and here he turned around and pointed at me, and I pretended to be examining Claire's nails,"and even the hobbit from the Lord of the Rings is going!" WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME THAT! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it. All in all, Kate wasn't persuaded by Jack and stayed on the beach.

I've been having Ethan problems lately. He's always stalking me, and I can't seem to get away. I caught him staring at me through trees when I was going to the loo, and frankly, it scared the shit out of me. Haha.. I made a joke. Every time he comes within earshot, I can hear him muttering stuff like,"Stupid little... We're going to hang him- yesss... we are... Aren't we, little voices that whisper!" and "Stupid squirrelsss..." It makes me nervous. I tried to talk to somebody about this, but they're so narrow-minded that they won't believe me. Last of the people to confront was Jack, and he's the most narrow-minded of them all! What the hell? It's like he doesn't realize something until the last minute when it's too late!

Claire is so bloody annoying. It's always,"My baby" this and "My baby" that and worst of all it's always "It wasn't a dream!" Oh boo hoo, somebody wants your bloody baby. You don't even want it! I saw your flashback... You tried to give it away. Just because you have bad luck with pens doesn't mean it's fate, darling. You should've used a pencil. Not a mechanical pencil, but one of those old yellow ones with the pretty number two in green near the eraser. Those are hard to break when you're writing.

I tried to have quality time with Sawyer, but he's too busy trying to use pick up lines with Kate, and he's always calling me 'limey'. I think I smell more like a lemon.. Unless I taste like a lime? Lemons are so much better than limes. They're bigger and a nice yellow colour, and so many other things. You don't catch a chef using lime zest! NOPE! It's always lemon zest, dammit!

I am NOT going into the area of Shannon and Boone bickering! Not even if you stopped calling me 'hobbit-boy', or stopped saying,'Do you really have insomnia?' I don't know why people keep thinking I have wierd dillusions about dead people, but it's really annoying. Sure, I've met this guy who got fried with lightening when he was parachuting, and he seems like a funny guy when he isn't ranting about me and how I'm always going on about my problems. He called me Jack, but... that's the doctor, right? Maybe there's a guy who looks like me who's name is Jack, I don't know.

Haha, I found out something really funny the other day. When you stick Lemon Heads up your nose, it really burns. But, you have to take off the protective waxy outer coating and lick it a little before you stick it up your nose, otherwise you just have a Lemon Head up there. There are so many interesting things that you can do with your nose that isn't smelling or snorting. You can pick it... and use it to turn on light switches... and you can't play a harmonica with it. Oh, and don't forget that you can stick it in unwanted places! EW! Get your mind out of the sodding gutter, you pervert.

I want to paint my nails. That may sound girly, but who says butch guys can't paint their bloody fingernails! I bet every single man on this sodding island paints their nails. That's probably why there isn't any! Hell, Jin's so girly he could pass as one! Only the bloody Asian population of men could pass as a girl and not be counted as gay. Have you ever seen that Gackt guy? He's wierd. I don't know why he's so popular with Liam. (My actual brother, not the sand fleas.) I think.. Liam is gay... He may have a wife and daughter, but he let guy groupies into our lounge after shows... I have scars to prove it.

* * *

To my two only reviewers:

bookworm835: Thanks! Now I know that I'll at least have one review. Er.. No insult to Leaviel...

Leaviel: I read your fic, and I think I reviewed... It was hella funny!

Until next time, my duckies.


End file.
